Forgiveness can be difficult. Self-forgiveness can be even harder. When you are forgiving another individual for wronging you, you are able to take the moral high ground. The person you are forgiving is able to feel relieved in this dynamic. This makes self-forgiveness complex because you then have to occupy both roles in this interaction.
You have to “take the moral high ground” in a sense, but you have to also take responsibility in the process. Sometimes, you might not feel like you deserve forgiveness, but guilt is a terrible motivator. It rarely changes behaviors or feelings. This is why a different approach is important, and Robyne Hanley-Dafoe Ed.D. explains this topic further in an article provided by PsychologyToday.
You feel guilt because you have done something that does not match up with your values. For example, if you value your health, you might feel guilty for not eating nutritious food or working out. Recognize and label these feelings. For the aforementioned example, you could say to yourself, “I am a healthy person, and this specific behavior is not common for me.”
Be honest and explicit about the behavior and the consequences that come along with it. This might be difficult considering there might be internally conflicting definitions of what is wrong, but labeling how the negative behavior and the following consequence relate is important. If you lied to a loved one, it probably hurt their feelings. Lying is the negative behavior, and the consequence is having your loved one likely trusting you less. Be explicit about what you did, while holding space for the consequences. Once you take action, release it. Revisiting your guilt will never change the outcome.
Embrace the discomfort. When you mess up, hurt someone you care about, etc., it leads to an intensely uncomfortable feeling. When things are good, your ego is your best friend. However, when mistakes are made, your ego is quick to point out your flaws. The remedy here is to recognize it and hold that feeling.
Mistakes happen, but they are not characteristics. When you are feeling guilty, it can feel like you are the mistake you made. Reframe this idea in your head. Remind yourself that you are simply a person who made a mistake, you are NOT the mistake. Interweaving your morality into your behaviors is not productive. Behaviors can be adaptive or maladaptive, but all behaviors serve a purpose. Most people are doing the best they can with the cards they are dealt at the time.
Recognize that even though you are not okay with what you did while also accepting the consequences of your actions requires self-awareness and self-compassion. Letting the guilt eat you alive will not change your behaviors. Every single individual makes mistakes. Take accountability and let it go.
Learning to practice self-forgiveness will not be linear or an immediate thing. Commit to self-forgiveness, and you will start to feel lighter. Allowing yourself to let go of pent-up or stored guilt will allow you to continue enjoying the things in your life that really matter. The past is unmovable and not able to be changed. Your future behavior says more about you than your past mistakes. Forgiving yourself is crucial for having a positive mental state.
Reference:
Hanley-Dafoe, Robyne. “Steps for Self-Forgiveness.” Psychology Today, Sussex Publishers, https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/everyday-resilience/202203/steps-self-forgiveness.