How to calm down, control your mouth and prevent an unnecessary outburst.
It’s morning. You’ve gotten yourself and the kids ready and fed. You’ve finally wrangled them up and got them in the car… you pull out of the driveway and are just putting your foot on the gas when you realize you forgot your phone on the counter next to the coffee pot. And you’re already running 15 minutes behind. You forcefully groan to yourself, turn your wheel quickly to pull back into the driveway, hit the brakes a little too hard and throw your car in park. The driver side door flies open and remains that way as you make a mad dash thru the front door, kicking off your shoes as to not scuff your freshly shined floors. You grab your phone, and that last swig of coffee in your cup that you hastily left on the counter, you turn to run back to the waiting children in the car when SMACK!!! Your pinky toe hits the corner of the kitchen island so hard that you KNOW it must have broken because of the unbearable pain. You stiffen up your entire body and bite your bottom lip as you hold your breath in an effort to not scream, fight back the tears and will away the pain. As you take your first hobble towards your strewn about shoes, you notice your kid has gotten out of the car and is standing in front of you…whining… because their socks are too itchy…
You’re. About. To Lose It.
If it’s not this exact scenario, there has been one like it. The moment that you are trying to hold it all together, you think you got it… then that final straw piles on and you are about to snap. Unfortunately, when you do snap and let the words fly out of your mouth, it’s usually directed towards or in the presence of someone who has little, if anything at all, to do with any of the mounted situations that got you to this point.
The easiest thing to do is let it rip. Fly off the handle and let those words come barreling out of your mouth like boulders down the side of mountain, hitting and destroying everything in their path. But do the bystanders really deserve it? Do they even deserve to be in the presence of it? Will you feel a sense of relief after your tirade? Possibly. You let out all those built-up frustrations but the guilt and humiliation are very soon to follow.
So. What do we do in these moments? In the moments that things just aren’t going right. The moments that have compounded, one right after another. The moments that you’re about to cuss, spit out hateful names, say things that you don’t mean and words that you’ll regret?
The most important thing to do is to bring yourself out of the heightened state of panic or stress. There are many ways of doing this such as tapping on your leg and paying attention to the feeling of it, repeating a calming mantra or just walking away from the situation.
One thing that is helpful is to remember to STEP BACK. In any stressful situation, remembering these two simple words will allow you to quickly work through your stress and move on in a positive manner. Just Step Back.
Stop. Whatever you are doing, or about to do, stop yourself and don’t let it go any further.
Time. Take a moment. 5 seconds or 5 minutes. In this scenario, you’re already late. Another 2 minutes to take time to gather yourself isn’t going to matter in the long run. Just take whatever time you need to calm yourself down.
Emotion. Recognize your emotion and what got you to this point. Give it validation so you properly deal with it.
Practice compassion. In this scenario, the child’s sock just isn’t right. That’s not why you’re ready to snap. YOU forgot your cell phone. And you know it’s frustrating to go through a whole a day with a sock that just isn’t right. We’ve all been there. Practice compassion on others and your attitude can change rather quickly.
Breathe. Take in calming breaths through your nose and out through your mouth. One of the best ways to do this correctly for maximum benefits is remember that breathing in should feel like you’re smelling a delicious warm cookie. Breathe in through your nose, nice and slow, and purposeful. Now breathe out through your mouth as if you’re cooling off the cookie. If you do that as little as 3 times, you’ll feel much more calm.
Affirmation. Any positive affirmation will work. “I will have a good day.” “I will not lose my cool.” “I can keep it together.” “I am a calm being.” “I love my children.” “I think through my problems.” “I am a warrior.” Speaking out positivity can neutralize negative thoughts and emotions.
Count. One of the quickest ways to calm yourself out of doing something you’ll regret is to count. You can count backwards from 10-1, you can count items you see, things you hear. A great way to calm yourself down by counting is by tapping fingers while you count 1-5 thumb to pinky, then starting over in the opposite direction but starting with your ring finger and so on; until 1-5 is positioned thumb to pinky again. It causes you to concentrate on something other than the stressful, compounded issue at hand. It allows you to get your mind out of the negative head space and focus on something else, giving you pause and the ability to calm down.
Keep it moving. Once you’ve done what you needed to do to calm down in the situation, just simply keep it moving. Finish the task at hand. There may need to be individual situations that you need to deal with but deal with that at another time when you’ve had ample time to give it thought and you’re out of the crisis situation.
Have you had a similar scenario that you could have handled differently? What could you have done to keep yourself from blowing up? Keep STEP BACK in mind to handle future compound situations and not say things you don’t mean.
And remember, practice makes perfect. The more you use coping skills, the more natural they become.
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Everyone has scenarios similar to this one, but are yours more frequent? Do they happen a few times a week? Are you incontrollable in these kinds of situations? Do you lack the ability to pause, remove yourself and control yourself? Do you not even need a trigger to “blow up”? If you answered yes to any of these questions, there could be more going on.
According the Mayo Clinic, Intermittent Explosive Disorder is an impulse control disorder. IED presents itself as hostility, impulsivity and recurrent outbursts with or without provocation and it could require medication and/or therapy. If you are having recurring outbursts, please contact your physician or mental health care professional.